When I read about how nasty kids are to other kids, it makes me feel so awful.
I can't say I was really "bullied" in the traditional sense of the word. I was mostly excluded. I wasn't inordinately fat, or smelly. I never had any embarrassing mishaps that left a memory burned into the minds of everyone I went to school with.
I just was not popular.
In 8th grade, these two girls just ripped on me every day about my clothes being hand-me-downs, which they weren't (and not like that's a bad thing).
I don't know why they singled me out, but damn! It's 19 years later and it still chaps my ass!
Compounded by the fact that they were popular, but not in the popular sense. One looked like a man, she was a gymnast who was very toned and very masculine.
Her BFF, was dumpy and chubby and also quite masculine in appearance, she played softball.
I remember thinking "How can they pick on me for how I dress? All they wear are Umbro shorts and t-shirts! And they look like boys!"
I had a lot of friends in middle school, and I am not sure what happened the summer between 8th grade and freshman year, but whatever went down - I missed it.
All those girls became popular, and I was just a nobody.
I have gotten my (slight) revenge: one girl friend requested me on Facebook, and I acted like I didn't know her. She was one of my BFF's in 7th grade, and then in high school she spread a rumor that I...well, let's just say it wasn't very nice for my character...but I started getting attention from a lot of skeevy guys after that.
I responded to her request by saying "Sorry, I don't remember you."
She wrote me back 3 more times, telling me her life story, trying to jog my memory "Remember I used to live down the block from you? Remember that time we had the sleep-over?" to which I wish I had had the guts to say "Oh, that's right! You were the one who spread that nasty rumor about me!"
Instead I said "Sorry, I just don't remember you." And ignored her request.
It felt good.
I have since done that to about 10 of "Those Girls" and maintain that everyone I want to talk to from high school, I talk to. If the last interaction we had was you telling me that I look pregnant in front of our home ec class*, why the hell are you "friend" requesting me?
I have decided that they just want to see my business, and I say "Nope".
*To this day, I remember exactly what was said:
Her: "You're dating (so & so) right?"
Me: "Yeah"
Her: "And you're pregnant, right?"
Me: (exasperated) "NO!"
Her: "Heh, well...you look like it!"
(Which caused much laughter)
I always think of that part in the movie "For Keeps", when the popular girls are making fun of Darcy and the one popular girl says to the other "Oh Michaela! You're so bad!" cheering her on.
Also, the girl who said that to me had a very noticeable lazy eye and you could never tell where she was looking.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Sticks, Stones and all the ugly words that hurt
About me: I am married and a working mom of 2 young boys. I love to read, blog, play board games, sing, go to movies, take photographs and bake desserts. I recently learned how to knit but have been lazy about it recently.
My story (adapted from a personal blog):
I recently found out about the tragic story of Phoebe Prince, a young girl who was bullied by her peers to the point where she felt she had to take her own life. I found this whole situation to be extremely sad and disturbing. From what I read, Phoebe was a naturally friendly girl and some people got jealous of her ability to grab a guy’s attention naturally and started calling her names and threatening her. I think statutory rape was involved in some way. It got so bad one day that she went home and hung herself. Apparently faculty and staff at the school knew what was going on and did nothing to stop it from happening. The least they could do was offer counseling to Phoebe to help her cope with her peers’ behavior and taunts. This situation has brought up how the issue of bullying has escalated from playful schoolyard taunts to physical abuse (such as hazing) and slander on the internet. The issue of bullying hits close to home for me as a parent and as someone who was picked on by their peers in the past.
About 6 years ago, I read a book that I was able to relate to in many ways. It was a true story by Jodee Blanco titled “Please Stop Laughing at Me...” It was her personal account of bullying from her peers. No matter where she went to school, she usually would start out popular and would make friends easily. Then she’d go against the grain of peer pressure and everyone would turn against her. She changed schools several times and it always led to the same outcome. I don’t think she ever tried to kill herself, but I know she displayed self-destructive behavior as a result. Miraculously, she came out on top as a confident adult who was able to tell her story in a way that it was nearly impossible to put down.
As I mentioned earlier, both Phoebe Prince's tragic death and Jodee Blanco's book struck chords with me...chords that would not have been struck had I not been a victim of bullying. I usually don't talk much about this because I supposedly lead such a "charmed life" nowadays, but I think it needs to be told in hopes that other people will be inspired to share their own stories and experiences. Maybe the more stories that are shared will inspire schools to mandate school faculty and staff to attend bullying prevention seminars before being allowed to set foot in a school building.
Mind you, the stuff I've heard and read about makes anything I went through pale in comparison, but it's still personal to me. I somehow managed to survive my school years and move on to college and adult life with the intention to start fresh. I think the main thing that kept me going after a while was self-confidence. It's something I've carried over into my adult life. And that didn't come into play until high school.
I started out with a lot of friends in preschool and kindergarten. Then the social circles started forming in first grade. Yes...first grade! People already knew if they fit into the popular or unpopular (i.e. geek) groups. Guess which group yours truly ended up in? :P I had friends, but some of them had split loyalties. Grade school was tolerable until the later years. The friends I had helped me weather any storms and I had my best friend at home too (my sister). I also had some other close friends outside of school. Of course, there were the mean girls who thought it was funny to ask me questions that tested my naivete about sexuality. Basically, you were damned if you said you were a virgin and also damned if you said you weren't. (Madonna's song didn't help much.) There were also boys who were just plain mean. One used to make me miserable at the bus stop every morning. (I got back at him in a subtle way during my college years...by acting like I didn't know him and then hearing from my boyfriend at the time that this guy was sending obvious signals of interest...and then making it very obvious that I was with someone.) The friends I made toward the end of my elementary school days didn't help matters much. However, I did have some friends who were destined for popularity at some point. The other factor that didn't help much was how I was super emotional about getting teased. I wore my vulnerability where everyone could see it and attack it.
When I got to junior high, I thought meeting people who didn't know my status in grade school would help, but it really didn't. The circles that were formed in grade school stuck and created monsters that sucked up the friends I had from before. (Basically, people whom I thought were my best friends decided that popularity took priority over their friendship with me.) I did make some new friends, but that proved detrimental to my social standing for the rest of junior high. There was one girl I became close with early in 6th grade and then she even turned on me because I wasn't geeky enough! She even got mad at me for a social mishap that was out of my control, but she saw no problem in making things even worse for herself and everyone in our little circle. (Basically, she got mad at me because everyone wanted me to dance--which I didn't even do at that time--in an effort to make fun of me more, but then she went and auditioned to be a cheerleader when she knew she was moving out of state soon. Then that started rumors that people thought her mom was suing the school. I was actually smug about it when people were surrounding and taunting her.) Other than that, people I thought were my friends in the beginning of the year turned on me in the typical mean girl style. I took modeling classes from Sears during that year and while I thought it would be seen as cool, I got picked on because it was for Sears. Nothing was good enough. I could buy all brand name clothes and start wearing bras and none of it would matter. My social status was set.
During the summer between 6th and 7th grade, I went to overnight camp with my BFF. That was a mistake (not about going with my BFF, just about going at all). The girls were all stuck up and made my four weeks there hellish. If I thought that being teased about not knowing about virginity was bad, having my naivete about all things sexual being ripped into made that look like a walk in the park. They were just awful and they would accuse me of destroying their property but then would see no problem in taking my towel while I was showering (and then getting mad when I got them in trouble). If my BFF had not been there, I would have gone home without even completing the four weeks. Years later, I read "The J.A.P. Chronicles" by Isabel Rose. While my camp experience wasn't as bad as the main character's, it was fun to imagine karma for all the girls in my cabin (with the exception of my BFF, of course). Two funny things that came out of this a long time later: I ended up dating the best friend of one of the girls' brother. I wonder if she ever knew about that. Also, one of the girls (who especially made fun of my naivete about sex) was at a close friend's bachelorette party and I got a high out of winning a contest where we had to answer a lot of questions about sex (factual, not personal). I don't think she remembered making fun of me back in the day, but I still enjoyed feeling smug about that.
Seventh grade was even worse. Someone told a girl I was trying to befriend that I would "ruin her rep." (This same girl who said that later was nice to me in high school.) The girls were just meaner in general. They would follow me around school and taunt me for no particular reason. Eventually, one of the gym teachers brought it to a halt. Until that time, I would hide out during "recess" and read a book behind some trees. I tried to avoid people whenever possible and hated going to school in general. Talking about it with my parents didn't help. They felt bad that it was going on, but I somehow felt I was failing them. In the meantime, I had Hebrew school and another set of obnoxious boys and girls to deal with there. I did have some saving graces though: Pen pals, a new friend from Hebrew school and V.C. Andrews books.
Eighth grade was a little more tolerable. I made a couple of nice friends (one whom I reunited and became closer with years later) but also had to deal with more mean girl behavior. I was hanging out with one group for a while when this girl decided she didn't want me to be a part of the group and wrote me a nasty letter too. I still resent her for it to this day. My saving graces this time included: knowing high school was around the corner, writing for the school paper, chorus, a nice school counselor, and gaining respect for my brains and because I tried out for the volleyball team. There was also the nice gym teacher who let me take a dance/exercise class instead of gym that year. I hated gym class, so it definitely saved my sanity. Overall, the movie "Welcome to the Dollhouse" made my junior high years feel a lot less hellish in comparison, even though I didn't get to see Eric Mabius sprawled out on a bed in my house.
High school wasn't too bad. I still dealt with my share of bullying from time to time, but I also had a lot of things that kept me going. It was easier to make friends because there was a wider pool to meet. Sure, the social circles still existed, but they were more scattered. I had speech team, which is where I gained my confidence. I also was also involved with chorus, theater, dance, etc. I did have moments every year where it was rough to go to school, but I got through it. Toward the end of my senior year, I had to deal with bullies amongst my own circle of friends. One was even disguised as a friend, but I realized later on that she really wasn't what one would call a friend. The other was this obnoxious guy who was so awful to me that I like to think his girlfriend refused to go to prom with him as a result of how he was treating me. (Why wouldn't you go to prom if you had an automatic date? I didn't have such luck.) I think I also became mean in the process of dealing with bullies through most of my life. I think it was a defense mechanism in a way. I still have times where the mean side of me comes out, but I think it has softened up over time. It's more of a protection mechanism these days. I also feel that Schadenfraude is a protective mechanism. I'd love to find out that someone who was mean to me is not doing so well in life.
Things did get better in college and even beyond. There were times I had to deal with rudeness in the working world, but no one was outright harassing me (with one exception at a summer job). Sometimes I wondered about peoples' intentions when they wanted to be friends (or more). I didn't join the Hillel in college because it reminded me of BBG and I didn't like most of the girls in that group. (Some of them even went to the same college as me.) There was a time that a girl I didn't like went to college with me and would prank call me with her friends. My friends and I curbed that behavior with an obnoxious outgoing message on my answering machine. I would see the same girl around my hometown and she'd act like my friend but it was so fake that it was disgusting. Last year, she tried to friend request me on Facebook and I ignored her. I don't plan to be another number for her and I don't need her knowing about my personal life. I just don't get how girls like her are married and the nice, normal girls I know are still trying to find Mr. Right. (There are other cases like this, where girls who were totally awful to me throughout junior high and high school managed to secure a spouse. I even saw one of them at two weddings a few years ago and was actually enjoying showing off my marital status at one of them...as my husband wasn't able to attend the other.) There was also a time when friends of a past boyfriend were telling him mean things about me. I even tried to reconcile with one of them but she wrote a nasty note in response.
Now that you know about my past issues with bullying (and I skimmed over a lot), I wanted to share my concerns for the future. Now that I'm a mom, I worry about bullying when my kids go to school. I worry about my kids being either the perpetrators or the victims. When I read "Nineteen Minutes" by Jodi Picoult a few years ago, I thought about this a lot. It was about a boy who was picked on so badly that he opened fire at his school and either injured or killed his classmates. I think he even killed a teacher. It was very disturbing because I knew it happened in the past and could happen again. I'm teaching my kids about how to be confident and stick up for themselves, but to not hurt other kids at the same time. I hold them accountable for their behavior. (Recently, my older son threw a toy at a little boy and my husband and I made him write an apology letter.) I worry more that my older son will be a victim because he's overly sensitive and he has something obviously different about his physical presence. Right now, he's in a school for kids with hearing loss and he's proud of his cochlear implant. However, I worry about how kids who never dealt with hearing loss will perceive it if he is mainstreamed. I was proud of how confidently he talked about his CI when another kid asked him what it was. He acted like it was no big deal. I just hope that confidence will stick with him over time. He's very friendly and likes to be the class clown. He loves laughing and making other kids laugh. He has a plethora of girlfriends already. I hope this all follows him throughout his grade school, junior high and high school days. He's more tuned in to kids who are different like him, and I think that will make him more compassionate overall. However, if anyone ever bullies or hurts him, they will have me to answer to and the school will have another thing coming if they don't do anything to prevent it from happening. As for my younger son, I worry that he'll be the bully. He's aggressive and likes to hit and push to make his point. We give him time outs, but we're not sure when that will sink in. He's a sweet kid otherwise and has made friends at his school already. He's very active and I could see him being the athletic one in the family. That might help him when it comes to the social circles that are probably being formed as we speak.
As for the adult world, bullying still exists. It was seen in the first season of "Ugly Betty" when Betty was being picked on mercilessly at her new job. People lightened up when they got to know her, but there were still times when she was thrown under the gauntlet. I know this is just a TV show, but workplace bullying does exist. There are managers who don't know how to treat their employees. I know people who will attest to this. And if you still don't believe me, check out "That's My Boss," a blog about bosses who don't know how to treat their employees properly. There are other ways bullying can occur in the adult world. Domestic abuse is another example of such behavior. And I'm sure that the girls in "Muriel's Wedding" aren't the only adult version of mean girls.
Overall, bullying is not something that will go away. If kids see a reason to be mean to other kids, they will stop at nothing to make someone's life hellish. I really hope schools get on the ball and work to educate and prevent bullying. I'm sure that it will be hard for them to get through those tough heads, but something does need to be done. Maybe a zero tolerance policy against bullying that would lead to severe consequences for all bullies? I don't know what it will take in order to prevent another incident like Phoebe Prince's tragic and completely unnecessary death. Keep in mind that she was harassed for being pretty and friendly. Imagine how much harder it must be for kids who are deemed by their peers as unattractive or socially inept. I like to think I came out of such a scathing experience okay and no worse for the wear, but I still have my mean (and sometimes vengeful) side. I don't forgive or forget as easily as one might think. In the meantime, I have a fabulous group of friends from all the different places I've lived and through the Internet.
Additional stories:
*There were two times in junior high that I managed to injure my eye (or the area around it). I should have just stayed home from school until it healed each time. It was so not worth going in and having to endure the jokes made at my expense over such self-inflicted accidents. Someone once said that a person on their bus said they beat me up. (Because they were on a different bus and somehow knew about it before they even saw it. Right.) And don’t even get me started on the rumors that came out of the first injury. They weren’t pretty.) It’s ironic that I had to wear an eye patch for two days last fall and was totally fine going out in public. People were nice about it and I didn’t get teased at all. It made me realize that I’m in a great environment now.
*When I was a freshman in high school, I finally got one of my tormenters to give up on bothering me. This girl was awful to me on the bus and I got sick of dealing with her after a while. This particular time, she was trying to get me to say something in hopes that she’d be able to tease me for it. I knew what she was getting at and did not give her such satisfaction at my expense. I just decided to confuse the “game” even more. (Basically, she told me I had a “Dickfor” on my shoulder. I was supposed to ask what such a thing was, but I knew better!) She finally gave up and even asked me if I knew what she was getting at. That was the last time she ever picked on me!
*When I was in college, a girl actually apologized to me for anything she did to hurt me when we were growing up. This was during a summer break and I was waiting on her at IHOP. She wasn’t even as bad as some other people, but she would make me cry a lot when we were kids. At the time, she claimed she was doing it to teach me how to stick up for myself. In any case, I thought it was decent that she apologized and I accepted that apology from her.
*Speaking of IHOP, that place is a bully’s dream come true! I have not stepped into an IHOP since August of 1996, as a result. While I was working there, I was targeted for sexual harassment because I was young and female. It got really nasty after a while and I could have easily reported it. However, they were so cheap that we had to pay for all our meals on the job, so I doubt I would have received any compensation even worthy of what I went through. Normally, I don’t name places, but my experiences working at IHOP were so terrible that I want to prevent other girls from going through the same thing. I mainly worked with a bunch of obnoxious teenage boys, as well as cooks who thought that because I knew limited Spanish, they could hit on me. The funny thing is, I knew how to stand up for myself and I wasn’t running away in tears. I dished back anything I was given. (I didn’t sexually harass anyone, but I wasn’t nice with my comebacks either.) There was even a cranky old lady who would come in every day and take up some tables in the back. She got in on the bullying end of things, but I was just as mean to her after a while. (Once she was doing someone’s side work and wouldn’t share utensils with me. When someone else asked me to share utensils with them, I made an example out of her so that she’d look like an idiot for not sharing.) In any case, the managers weren’t even helpful. I’d tell them what was going on, and then they’d start making disgusting comments about women right in front of me. If I didn’t have some regular customers who thought I was cool, I would have left a lot sooner than I did. There were also customers who were bullies. (This happens all over the place, as it happened at a previous restaurant job too.) The saying “the customer is always right” gets taken for granted and sometimes customers can be downright rude when they are clearly in the wrong. I am nice to servers at restaurants even when they’re not doing the greatest job. There are some levels I will just never lower myself to reach.
*I mentioned some “saving graces” in my post. I wanted to address some and also bring up one I left out:
I started reading V.C. Andrews’ books toward the end of 7th grade because all the cool kids were doing it. However, I didn’t expect to love them as much as I did. I ended up reading a couple of series over summer break and even got my friend from Hebrew school into them. We’d spend our time together reading her books. While I originally got some form of approval from the cool kids, that eventually died off, but I still was addicted to her books. I even started a fan club in college and am still friends with some of the people I met through that avenue (as well as some friends of people with whom I lost contact).
There was also forensics (speech team) in high school. I gained my confidence that way and felt more comfortable speaking in public and performing on stage. I loved going to tournaments every week. The best part was meeting a lot of guys and being able to flirt with them without anyone knowing my social status in school. I actually felt attractive during those times. (I also felt that way initially in CFTY, but that died out after a while.)
I forgot to mention Rocky Horror as a saving grace. This was more toward the end of high school, but it was the first time I felt truly accepted by a group of people. No one cared about who I was in school and there were cute guys who made me feel attractive. After a while, the cast I was with felt like family to me. I’m still in contact with some people from Rocky Horror and enjoy talking to them.
Please share this post with anyone you know in an effort to explain how bullying feels for the victims. Especially before this issue escalates completely out of control in the future. If kids are cruel to each other now, I can't even imagine how much worse it could become.
My story (adapted from a personal blog):
I recently found out about the tragic story of Phoebe Prince, a young girl who was bullied by her peers to the point where she felt she had to take her own life. I found this whole situation to be extremely sad and disturbing. From what I read, Phoebe was a naturally friendly girl and some people got jealous of her ability to grab a guy’s attention naturally and started calling her names and threatening her. I think statutory rape was involved in some way. It got so bad one day that she went home and hung herself. Apparently faculty and staff at the school knew what was going on and did nothing to stop it from happening. The least they could do was offer counseling to Phoebe to help her cope with her peers’ behavior and taunts. This situation has brought up how the issue of bullying has escalated from playful schoolyard taunts to physical abuse (such as hazing) and slander on the internet. The issue of bullying hits close to home for me as a parent and as someone who was picked on by their peers in the past.
About 6 years ago, I read a book that I was able to relate to in many ways. It was a true story by Jodee Blanco titled “Please Stop Laughing at Me...” It was her personal account of bullying from her peers. No matter where she went to school, she usually would start out popular and would make friends easily. Then she’d go against the grain of peer pressure and everyone would turn against her. She changed schools several times and it always led to the same outcome. I don’t think she ever tried to kill herself, but I know she displayed self-destructive behavior as a result. Miraculously, she came out on top as a confident adult who was able to tell her story in a way that it was nearly impossible to put down.
As I mentioned earlier, both Phoebe Prince's tragic death and Jodee Blanco's book struck chords with me...chords that would not have been struck had I not been a victim of bullying. I usually don't talk much about this because I supposedly lead such a "charmed life" nowadays, but I think it needs to be told in hopes that other people will be inspired to share their own stories and experiences. Maybe the more stories that are shared will inspire schools to mandate school faculty and staff to attend bullying prevention seminars before being allowed to set foot in a school building.
Mind you, the stuff I've heard and read about makes anything I went through pale in comparison, but it's still personal to me. I somehow managed to survive my school years and move on to college and adult life with the intention to start fresh. I think the main thing that kept me going after a while was self-confidence. It's something I've carried over into my adult life. And that didn't come into play until high school.
I started out with a lot of friends in preschool and kindergarten. Then the social circles started forming in first grade. Yes...first grade! People already knew if they fit into the popular or unpopular (i.e. geek) groups. Guess which group yours truly ended up in? :P I had friends, but some of them had split loyalties. Grade school was tolerable until the later years. The friends I had helped me weather any storms and I had my best friend at home too (my sister). I also had some other close friends outside of school. Of course, there were the mean girls who thought it was funny to ask me questions that tested my naivete about sexuality. Basically, you were damned if you said you were a virgin and also damned if you said you weren't. (Madonna's song didn't help much.) There were also boys who were just plain mean. One used to make me miserable at the bus stop every morning. (I got back at him in a subtle way during my college years...by acting like I didn't know him and then hearing from my boyfriend at the time that this guy was sending obvious signals of interest...and then making it very obvious that I was with someone.) The friends I made toward the end of my elementary school days didn't help matters much. However, I did have some friends who were destined for popularity at some point. The other factor that didn't help much was how I was super emotional about getting teased. I wore my vulnerability where everyone could see it and attack it.
When I got to junior high, I thought meeting people who didn't know my status in grade school would help, but it really didn't. The circles that were formed in grade school stuck and created monsters that sucked up the friends I had from before. (Basically, people whom I thought were my best friends decided that popularity took priority over their friendship with me.) I did make some new friends, but that proved detrimental to my social standing for the rest of junior high. There was one girl I became close with early in 6th grade and then she even turned on me because I wasn't geeky enough! She even got mad at me for a social mishap that was out of my control, but she saw no problem in making things even worse for herself and everyone in our little circle. (Basically, she got mad at me because everyone wanted me to dance--which I didn't even do at that time--in an effort to make fun of me more, but then she went and auditioned to be a cheerleader when she knew she was moving out of state soon. Then that started rumors that people thought her mom was suing the school. I was actually smug about it when people were surrounding and taunting her.) Other than that, people I thought were my friends in the beginning of the year turned on me in the typical mean girl style. I took modeling classes from Sears during that year and while I thought it would be seen as cool, I got picked on because it was for Sears. Nothing was good enough. I could buy all brand name clothes and start wearing bras and none of it would matter. My social status was set.
During the summer between 6th and 7th grade, I went to overnight camp with my BFF. That was a mistake (not about going with my BFF, just about going at all). The girls were all stuck up and made my four weeks there hellish. If I thought that being teased about not knowing about virginity was bad, having my naivete about all things sexual being ripped into made that look like a walk in the park. They were just awful and they would accuse me of destroying their property but then would see no problem in taking my towel while I was showering (and then getting mad when I got them in trouble). If my BFF had not been there, I would have gone home without even completing the four weeks. Years later, I read "The J.A.P. Chronicles" by Isabel Rose. While my camp experience wasn't as bad as the main character's, it was fun to imagine karma for all the girls in my cabin (with the exception of my BFF, of course). Two funny things that came out of this a long time later: I ended up dating the best friend of one of the girls' brother. I wonder if she ever knew about that. Also, one of the girls (who especially made fun of my naivete about sex) was at a close friend's bachelorette party and I got a high out of winning a contest where we had to answer a lot of questions about sex (factual, not personal). I don't think she remembered making fun of me back in the day, but I still enjoyed feeling smug about that.
Seventh grade was even worse. Someone told a girl I was trying to befriend that I would "ruin her rep." (This same girl who said that later was nice to me in high school.) The girls were just meaner in general. They would follow me around school and taunt me for no particular reason. Eventually, one of the gym teachers brought it to a halt. Until that time, I would hide out during "recess" and read a book behind some trees. I tried to avoid people whenever possible and hated going to school in general. Talking about it with my parents didn't help. They felt bad that it was going on, but I somehow felt I was failing them. In the meantime, I had Hebrew school and another set of obnoxious boys and girls to deal with there. I did have some saving graces though: Pen pals, a new friend from Hebrew school and V.C. Andrews books.
Eighth grade was a little more tolerable. I made a couple of nice friends (one whom I reunited and became closer with years later) but also had to deal with more mean girl behavior. I was hanging out with one group for a while when this girl decided she didn't want me to be a part of the group and wrote me a nasty letter too. I still resent her for it to this day. My saving graces this time included: knowing high school was around the corner, writing for the school paper, chorus, a nice school counselor, and gaining respect for my brains and because I tried out for the volleyball team. There was also the nice gym teacher who let me take a dance/exercise class instead of gym that year. I hated gym class, so it definitely saved my sanity. Overall, the movie "Welcome to the Dollhouse" made my junior high years feel a lot less hellish in comparison, even though I didn't get to see Eric Mabius sprawled out on a bed in my house.
High school wasn't too bad. I still dealt with my share of bullying from time to time, but I also had a lot of things that kept me going. It was easier to make friends because there was a wider pool to meet. Sure, the social circles still existed, but they were more scattered. I had speech team, which is where I gained my confidence. I also was also involved with chorus, theater, dance, etc. I did have moments every year where it was rough to go to school, but I got through it. Toward the end of my senior year, I had to deal with bullies amongst my own circle of friends. One was even disguised as a friend, but I realized later on that she really wasn't what one would call a friend. The other was this obnoxious guy who was so awful to me that I like to think his girlfriend refused to go to prom with him as a result of how he was treating me. (Why wouldn't you go to prom if you had an automatic date? I didn't have such luck.) I think I also became mean in the process of dealing with bullies through most of my life. I think it was a defense mechanism in a way. I still have times where the mean side of me comes out, but I think it has softened up over time. It's more of a protection mechanism these days. I also feel that Schadenfraude is a protective mechanism. I'd love to find out that someone who was mean to me is not doing so well in life.
Things did get better in college and even beyond. There were times I had to deal with rudeness in the working world, but no one was outright harassing me (with one exception at a summer job). Sometimes I wondered about peoples' intentions when they wanted to be friends (or more). I didn't join the Hillel in college because it reminded me of BBG and I didn't like most of the girls in that group. (Some of them even went to the same college as me.) There was a time that a girl I didn't like went to college with me and would prank call me with her friends. My friends and I curbed that behavior with an obnoxious outgoing message on my answering machine. I would see the same girl around my hometown and she'd act like my friend but it was so fake that it was disgusting. Last year, she tried to friend request me on Facebook and I ignored her. I don't plan to be another number for her and I don't need her knowing about my personal life. I just don't get how girls like her are married and the nice, normal girls I know are still trying to find Mr. Right. (There are other cases like this, where girls who were totally awful to me throughout junior high and high school managed to secure a spouse. I even saw one of them at two weddings a few years ago and was actually enjoying showing off my marital status at one of them...as my husband wasn't able to attend the other.) There was also a time when friends of a past boyfriend were telling him mean things about me. I even tried to reconcile with one of them but she wrote a nasty note in response.
Now that you know about my past issues with bullying (and I skimmed over a lot), I wanted to share my concerns for the future. Now that I'm a mom, I worry about bullying when my kids go to school. I worry about my kids being either the perpetrators or the victims. When I read "Nineteen Minutes" by Jodi Picoult a few years ago, I thought about this a lot. It was about a boy who was picked on so badly that he opened fire at his school and either injured or killed his classmates. I think he even killed a teacher. It was very disturbing because I knew it happened in the past and could happen again. I'm teaching my kids about how to be confident and stick up for themselves, but to not hurt other kids at the same time. I hold them accountable for their behavior. (Recently, my older son threw a toy at a little boy and my husband and I made him write an apology letter.) I worry more that my older son will be a victim because he's overly sensitive and he has something obviously different about his physical presence. Right now, he's in a school for kids with hearing loss and he's proud of his cochlear implant. However, I worry about how kids who never dealt with hearing loss will perceive it if he is mainstreamed. I was proud of how confidently he talked about his CI when another kid asked him what it was. He acted like it was no big deal. I just hope that confidence will stick with him over time. He's very friendly and likes to be the class clown. He loves laughing and making other kids laugh. He has a plethora of girlfriends already. I hope this all follows him throughout his grade school, junior high and high school days. He's more tuned in to kids who are different like him, and I think that will make him more compassionate overall. However, if anyone ever bullies or hurts him, they will have me to answer to and the school will have another thing coming if they don't do anything to prevent it from happening. As for my younger son, I worry that he'll be the bully. He's aggressive and likes to hit and push to make his point. We give him time outs, but we're not sure when that will sink in. He's a sweet kid otherwise and has made friends at his school already. He's very active and I could see him being the athletic one in the family. That might help him when it comes to the social circles that are probably being formed as we speak.
As for the adult world, bullying still exists. It was seen in the first season of "Ugly Betty" when Betty was being picked on mercilessly at her new job. People lightened up when they got to know her, but there were still times when she was thrown under the gauntlet. I know this is just a TV show, but workplace bullying does exist. There are managers who don't know how to treat their employees. I know people who will attest to this. And if you still don't believe me, check out "That's My Boss," a blog about bosses who don't know how to treat their employees properly. There are other ways bullying can occur in the adult world. Domestic abuse is another example of such behavior. And I'm sure that the girls in "Muriel's Wedding" aren't the only adult version of mean girls.
Overall, bullying is not something that will go away. If kids see a reason to be mean to other kids, they will stop at nothing to make someone's life hellish. I really hope schools get on the ball and work to educate and prevent bullying. I'm sure that it will be hard for them to get through those tough heads, but something does need to be done. Maybe a zero tolerance policy against bullying that would lead to severe consequences for all bullies? I don't know what it will take in order to prevent another incident like Phoebe Prince's tragic and completely unnecessary death. Keep in mind that she was harassed for being pretty and friendly. Imagine how much harder it must be for kids who are deemed by their peers as unattractive or socially inept. I like to think I came out of such a scathing experience okay and no worse for the wear, but I still have my mean (and sometimes vengeful) side. I don't forgive or forget as easily as one might think. In the meantime, I have a fabulous group of friends from all the different places I've lived and through the Internet.
Additional stories:
*There were two times in junior high that I managed to injure my eye (or the area around it). I should have just stayed home from school until it healed each time. It was so not worth going in and having to endure the jokes made at my expense over such self-inflicted accidents. Someone once said that a person on their bus said they beat me up. (Because they were on a different bus and somehow knew about it before they even saw it. Right.) And don’t even get me started on the rumors that came out of the first injury. They weren’t pretty.) It’s ironic that I had to wear an eye patch for two days last fall and was totally fine going out in public. People were nice about it and I didn’t get teased at all. It made me realize that I’m in a great environment now.
*When I was a freshman in high school, I finally got one of my tormenters to give up on bothering me. This girl was awful to me on the bus and I got sick of dealing with her after a while. This particular time, she was trying to get me to say something in hopes that she’d be able to tease me for it. I knew what she was getting at and did not give her such satisfaction at my expense. I just decided to confuse the “game” even more. (Basically, she told me I had a “Dickfor” on my shoulder. I was supposed to ask what such a thing was, but I knew better!) She finally gave up and even asked me if I knew what she was getting at. That was the last time she ever picked on me!
*When I was in college, a girl actually apologized to me for anything she did to hurt me when we were growing up. This was during a summer break and I was waiting on her at IHOP. She wasn’t even as bad as some other people, but she would make me cry a lot when we were kids. At the time, she claimed she was doing it to teach me how to stick up for myself. In any case, I thought it was decent that she apologized and I accepted that apology from her.
*Speaking of IHOP, that place is a bully’s dream come true! I have not stepped into an IHOP since August of 1996, as a result. While I was working there, I was targeted for sexual harassment because I was young and female. It got really nasty after a while and I could have easily reported it. However, they were so cheap that we had to pay for all our meals on the job, so I doubt I would have received any compensation even worthy of what I went through. Normally, I don’t name places, but my experiences working at IHOP were so terrible that I want to prevent other girls from going through the same thing. I mainly worked with a bunch of obnoxious teenage boys, as well as cooks who thought that because I knew limited Spanish, they could hit on me. The funny thing is, I knew how to stand up for myself and I wasn’t running away in tears. I dished back anything I was given. (I didn’t sexually harass anyone, but I wasn’t nice with my comebacks either.) There was even a cranky old lady who would come in every day and take up some tables in the back. She got in on the bullying end of things, but I was just as mean to her after a while. (Once she was doing someone’s side work and wouldn’t share utensils with me. When someone else asked me to share utensils with them, I made an example out of her so that she’d look like an idiot for not sharing.) In any case, the managers weren’t even helpful. I’d tell them what was going on, and then they’d start making disgusting comments about women right in front of me. If I didn’t have some regular customers who thought I was cool, I would have left a lot sooner than I did. There were also customers who were bullies. (This happens all over the place, as it happened at a previous restaurant job too.) The saying “the customer is always right” gets taken for granted and sometimes customers can be downright rude when they are clearly in the wrong. I am nice to servers at restaurants even when they’re not doing the greatest job. There are some levels I will just never lower myself to reach.
*I mentioned some “saving graces” in my post. I wanted to address some and also bring up one I left out:
I started reading V.C. Andrews’ books toward the end of 7th grade because all the cool kids were doing it. However, I didn’t expect to love them as much as I did. I ended up reading a couple of series over summer break and even got my friend from Hebrew school into them. We’d spend our time together reading her books. While I originally got some form of approval from the cool kids, that eventually died off, but I still was addicted to her books. I even started a fan club in college and am still friends with some of the people I met through that avenue (as well as some friends of people with whom I lost contact).
There was also forensics (speech team) in high school. I gained my confidence that way and felt more comfortable speaking in public and performing on stage. I loved going to tournaments every week. The best part was meeting a lot of guys and being able to flirt with them without anyone knowing my social status in school. I actually felt attractive during those times. (I also felt that way initially in CFTY, but that died out after a while.)
I forgot to mention Rocky Horror as a saving grace. This was more toward the end of high school, but it was the first time I felt truly accepted by a group of people. No one cared about who I was in school and there were cute guys who made me feel attractive. After a while, the cast I was with felt like family to me. I’m still in contact with some people from Rocky Horror and enjoy talking to them.
Please share this post with anyone you know in an effort to explain how bullying feels for the victims. Especially before this issue escalates completely out of control in the future. If kids are cruel to each other now, I can't even imagine how much worse it could become.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
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Become a fan of Leave me ALONE!: Tales from the Front Line on Facebook and tell all your friends to do the same!
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Wednesday, April 14, 2010
What's *your* story?
I titled this blog to reflect the wars that go on in schools (and even work) between the bullies and the victims. Sometimes they are harmless word fights and other times they lead to tragic situations such as suicide, school shootings, violence to the victim from the bullies, etc. This blog is for anyone who has been bullied by peers in the past or currently are being bullied. It is a forum in which to share stories anonymously, without being judged.
My hopes are to eventually escalate this blog to higher powers in support of Phoebe's Law or to create other anti-bully mandates in all schools. This behavior should not be tolerated by ANYONE: peers, parents, school faculty and staff, etc. It is truly disgusting how bullies torment their victims in this day and age, as compared to the past. As a past victim, as well as a mom of young kids, this issue concerns me deeply. I posted about my own experiences in my blog (and will share them here eventually) and someone who read them has inspired me to set up this blog.
If you have a story to share, please e-mail it by clicking here.
***Stories will be posted as anonymous***
Suggested format:
1. Subject line for the blog entry
2. Tell the readers about yourself, such as your interests, whether you're an adult, teen, or kid, what your personality is like, anything else you can think to share that would help people relate to you even more.
3. Share any and all bullying experiences you find to be significant in your life: Your own, your child's, someone who you know that is afraid to share it themselves, etc.
Please feel free to post comments on these blog entries, but I will be moderating them and will not post anything that is unsupportive or negative in any way.
I will soon be setting up a facebook account under this name to get word of this blog out. If it saves even just one person's life, I feel it will be a success. However, the more the merrier.
In the meantime, if you are truly feeling suicidal, please call 1-800-SUICIDE(1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). For those who are hard of hearing, you please contact 1-800-799-4TTY (4889). Please know that you are not alone on the front line.
My hopes are to eventually escalate this blog to higher powers in support of Phoebe's Law or to create other anti-bully mandates in all schools. This behavior should not be tolerated by ANYONE: peers, parents, school faculty and staff, etc. It is truly disgusting how bullies torment their victims in this day and age, as compared to the past. As a past victim, as well as a mom of young kids, this issue concerns me deeply. I posted about my own experiences in my blog (and will share them here eventually) and someone who read them has inspired me to set up this blog.
If you have a story to share, please e-mail it by clicking here.
***Stories will be posted as anonymous***
Suggested format:
1. Subject line for the blog entry
2. Tell the readers about yourself, such as your interests, whether you're an adult, teen, or kid, what your personality is like, anything else you can think to share that would help people relate to you even more.
3. Share any and all bullying experiences you find to be significant in your life: Your own, your child's, someone who you know that is afraid to share it themselves, etc.
Please feel free to post comments on these blog entries, but I will be moderating them and will not post anything that is unsupportive or negative in any way.
I will soon be setting up a facebook account under this name to get word of this blog out. If it saves even just one person's life, I feel it will be a success. However, the more the merrier.
In the meantime, if you are truly feeling suicidal, please call 1-800-SUICIDE(1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). For those who are hard of hearing, you please contact 1-800-799-4TTY (4889). Please know that you are not alone on the front line.
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